In “Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come Wa Machigatteiru. (やはり俺の青春ラブコメはまちがっている。), Oregairu (俺ガイル)” LN v10, it’s the first time Watari-sensei wrote 3 memorandum for us to read. We don’t know who is owner of each monologue but they vent their feeling/problem that three of them never reveal to anyone. (or should I say, revealed but no one notice.)
For the first memorandum, I read many comments of a certain site that discussed about who is the owner of this monologue. Some people think that person is Hikigaya Hachiman, some people think this must be Yukinoshita Yukino but no one can decide for sure. For me, I pick Yukino but when I read comments that this can be Hachiman too, I started to be not sure about my answer. So that’s why I will try to find who might be the owner of the first memorandum. And if I found the most possible answer in this analysis, I will find that the past of this character I think s/he owns this memorandum, will be consistent with what this person in this memorandum reveals or not.
- Spoiler alert!! Before proceed more than this, I recommend you to read LN. Because the first memorandum is in LN only.
- Before you read this work, I will tell you first that the story/past of this owner is dark/heavy more than you can imagine. The painful past of a certain character lies here. So I will not stop you to read, but prepare your mind before read this.
- All analysis in this blog are not absolutely right. Please read Attention to understand more that some posts in this blog might make you feel not well.
Filter possible answers.
In all memorandums, I can tell the first one is the one that made me feel confused the most because after I read it many and more, I still don’t know whose monologue is this. Maybe this is labyrinth? So instead find the answer, I should cool my head and filter possible answers.
Find who likes to read.
In this memorandum, s/he organizes book collection. S/He reads a certain book since middle school so it means one of his/her hobbies is reading. So the next step is filter anyone who has this hobby.
- Hikigaya Hachiman (比企谷 八幡): As a loner, reading is the best.
- Yukinoshita Yukino (雪ノ下 雪乃): When you enter her club, what she always does is reading.
- Yukinoshita Haruno (雪ノ下 陽乃): One of her hobbies is reading. And in doughnut shop (LN v8), we see there’re thick books at her table.
- Hayama Hayato (葉山 隼人): Are you surprised? I never know when he reads any books. He likes sports but reading is his hobby too.
- Hiratsuka Shizuka (平塚 静): She likes ramen and manga too.
- Ebina Hina (海老名 姫菜): Yes, as a fujoshi, reading is one of her skill (but please ask me which manga she likes to read). Her fav is LN.
- Zaimokuza Yoshiteru (材木座 義輝): He aims to be a writer, then reading (manga & LN) is necessary.
…It seems Watari-sensei likes to create characters who have the same hobby as his. The problem is there are still many choices. What should I do?
In this memorandum, this person wants his/her true nature to be hidden. If so, the true answer is not
Haruno, Hayato, Hiratsuka-sensei or Zaimokuza.
- In case of Hiratsuka-sensei might not right I wrote. But she shows her true self sometimes, when she is talking marriage topics or she got drunk. We will see she doesn’t mind to let another self appears in front of some people. So she is out.
- In case of Zaimokuza, I can see even once he will show his true self, or he is true self at the first place? I don’t know, but I know that he never show to us even once that he wants to hide his true self. In my conclusion, I really don’t know Zaimokuza we see in LN, is his true self at the first place or not. But if I never see he tries to hide his true (another) nature, I will count him out.
- In case of Hayato, he revealed his true nature to Hachiman little by little. He even said that he is not a nice guy as Hachiman thinks.
- In case of Haruno, she has the orihalcum mask that she can’t remove it away by herself. Otherwise she would not want a certain person gazes into her. She is the type that wants someone knows her true face but from the third memorandum, it seems she can’t help herself to escape from the perfection image/mask she is wearing. It’s very different from wanting to hide yourself with image.
So the candidates in final round are Hachiman, Yukino and Ebina. They have images and want to hide their true nature behind those.
- Hachiman – We know he is loner and he insists he always will be. I, the reader and watcher believe in his words. However, the
trueimage of him started, is not like I always believe. In LN v2, he can tell Yui that she doesn’t need to stick with him anymore because of that car accident. So we can be sure he is the real loner.
However, in v11, he is the monster of self-consciousness so he knew about Yukino and Yui’s feelings toward him. That’s why he pretended to not see their relationship between him and 2YY is the relationship that will reach the bad end, in other words, triangle love relationship. He knows he must stop this but he can’t. If he do it, it might shatter their relationship and this might be the end of the service club (aka friendship between them). He can’t do that because he cares for them so much, in other words, wants to maintain the relationship he always wishes but never obtain it even once. But this reason he is like this, is because of the fear. In conclusion, he creates “loner image” for covering himself that wishes to be like other people but can’t because other people around him don’t allow it.
- Yukino – created her own image to be honest and strong but there are many points that tell me that she is not like that. It’s true she is strong, I admit but her weakness is still there and revealed to Hachiman and Yuigahama Yui clearly in v11.
- Ebina – She intends to be fujoshi clearly so other guys would avoid her. I don’t know about her past but maybe she would has bad experience that involved with guy. So she created barrier to repel guys away.
Then, how about this quote?
I read this memorandum many times to look for any hints. I found something that can help me filter candidates and that is …this quote.
Could it have been a divine oracle, or possibly fate?
This quote is from the owner of this memorandum. This quote uses two beautiful words. “divine oracle” and “possibly fate” made me look for possible candidates. These words should be used by girls/woman more than boys/men. Please think about this, can you imagine Hachiman will use these words or some word similar in his thought once? I never find out he ever use dignity words like these once in LN, anime & manga.
For Ebina’s case, I don’t know she will use dignity words in her thought or not. Howerver, it’s high possible for Yukino to use these words. I mean, she is the daughter from elite family. When she talks with people at home, her conversations and social interactions should be in a polite manner.
So is this possible that the owner’s monologue should be Yukino more than Ebina or not? I still am not sure since I never have a chance to read Ebina’s monologue. I will not use just this to decide who is the owner. However, with this,
Hachiman would not surely be the owner.
Maybe the true answer is in keyword.
Many people would never notice (and me too!, before) that Watari-sensei wrote keywords in all monologue that point who is the true answer in each memorandum. Each keywords represent symbol of the owner of each monologue and they are plain, too plain you might not know these are keywords. Don’t you believe me? Okay, after you read my analysis, you should read all monologues again to find keywords.
For the keyword that I mentioned before, in this monologue, this person was in the middle of cleaning with the upcoming New Year. Guess who has birthday during New Year period?
Filter process is finish, the final result is…
Yes, the final answer or should I say, the owner of the first monologue is Yukinoshita Yukino, as her birthday is 3rd January!
Yukino’s the way of life until now?
Well, I got “the last candidate” but why I need to end this analysis immediately if I still have more stuff to write? You can skip this, but after I read LN, I will write Yukino’s bitter past because her environments. If the owner is Yukino, why does she want to hide her own past? I will inform you in advance that what I found about her past is painful and heavy. So if you don’t think you are ready to read, you can skip this. My explanation might not absolutely clear and right either, but we will almost reach her real life just a little bit. And I will write this to test the final result.
Warning: After this will be about Yukino’s dark past I assumed with many clues in LN. If you don’t think you can read, you can skip.
The first line of this memorandum
Mine has been a life of much shame.
When I read this line of this memorandum, I think anyone has much shame in somewhere in their own life. But if I assume this is Yukino’s monologue, then why does she think like this? Maybe she recalls her own past and that past is full of something she feels like this? Well, when she started reading book “No L*nger Hum*n”, she is still a middle school student. So if the bitter past would happen before this period.
The appearances and traits of yukino
Before I will dive into Yukino’s past, I think her appearances and traits are important factors that will connect to what happened later. (+ means it is good for the eyes of other people, – means it is not)
+ Good looking and nice figure
+ ฺCute (Yuigahama says this), adorable (from what Haruno mentions about her sister during after party after the cultural festival, judge from her tone, I notice she adores Yukino a lot (siscon alert!!).)
+ Charming and attractive (Yukino tells Hachiman that there are boys in the school like her (started from late elementary period – LN v1))
+ Good grades and expert at many things
+ Calm, patient and perseverance
– Not friendly, not outgoing
– Can’t fake
With all these, you will see some traits of her would not go well in sociability, especially in high society. So what next?
Influences from social environment
In the past, Yukino has people around her (father, mother, older sister, childhood friend, classmates)
With Yukino’s traits that are opposite with her older sister, Haruno. From what Haruno tells Hachiman in LN v5.
“My mother’s the type of person who decides on everything and forces people to follow her, so we end up having to make compromises… And Yukino-chan’s a little poor at that.”
Since I am looking for the bitter past of Yukino before her middle school period, with her traits that will not be pleasant in her mother’s eyes, who drives her older sister to be the perfect daughter, she would wish Yukino to be like that too. But from Haruno’s quote above, it seems Yukino can’t change herself to be like her, let alone pretends to be like that. I have no any solid evidence so I don’t know when this happened, but if we recall the bullying incident that happened during late elementary period, I assume that her mother started driving the younger daughter during the elementary period. And when we talk about driving, I assume her mother would wish Yukino can be like her cheerful sister so she uses Haruno as the role model.
I’m not actually sure the reason why Mrs.Yukinoshita wishes her daughters to be the perfect daughters, but if you want to read my assumption about this, I wrote in the last memorandum of LN v10 already. There you will see my assumptions why her mother tried to drive Yukino and Haruno to be “the perfect daughters.”
ps. She might not be scary like they think.
The older sister, Haruno
Haruno back then would be cheerful girl, and with the sincerity, love, justice her mother gives to her (that I explain in the last memorandum in link above), she possess the ability to pretend so she can be friendly. All these characteristic makes her to be the perfect daughter and can go well in sociability. I assume her mother is pleased this daughter can answer her wish. So in order to make another daughter to be like this too, she would use Haruno as the role model.
However, although Yukino would try her best (judge from her trait, the perseverance) but it appears that with her traits (not friendly and can’t fake) she can’t be like her perfect sister. However, she still wants to answer the expectation of her mother, so it ends up that she follows Haruno’s shadow instead (notice from her hobbies that are the same as her sister’s + chooses the same career path).
After Yukino tried her best to be like her sister as her mother drove, it appeared that she can’t be cheerful, friendly and outgoing like Haruno. I don’t have any solid evidence so I don’t know how her mother will response after saw her failure but if…
-Mrs.Yukinoshita is not pleased clearly that Yukino can’t answer her wish.
-or she compared between her two daughters and if they listened to what her mother said.
-or all of them.
I don’t know the reason how the inferior complex in Yukino’s mind happened, but kids will know their parents’ feeling toward them, let alone smart kid like Haruno and Yukino.
I notice that Haruno would never compare herself to her sister so she feels superior, not even once in LN, so I will assume that she is used as the role model by her mother in order to make Yukino changed and becomes the perfect daughter in her ideal. However, I think Haruno knows her sister are suffering because she can’t be like her. In LN v5, I notice Haruno is worried about her sister a lot and is sad because just her own existence makes Yukino feels disappointed in herself. Let alone her sister never change.
Talk about Yukino never change, I mean what Haruno said in LN v5. With Yuigahama’s info about her sister, she finally realize that her sister never change. And this makes Haruno feels… you can see more detail in Oregairu Analysis – “When” Yukinoshita Haruno Decides to Help Yukino.
Her father, Mr.Yukinoshita
From Haruno’s words in LN v5, it seems her father adores Yukino (or even Haruno too) but with his duty as the head of the family and as the member of Chiba prefectural diet, it’s possible that he can’t have time to his family. I don’t know he knew what happened about his daughters’ condition too or not, but although he knew, he would not interfere his wife’s teaching (and with what Haruno tells in LN v5 about her mother decided everything, then it means he trusts his wife to teach their daughters and he will do his best for their family and his position).
So although he adores Yukino (in LN v5, he is so happy she asked him to live on her own), he would not hurt her but since his wife has duty to teach their daughters include his duty as the head of the family and the member of Chiba prefectural diet, he can’t be the supporter of Yukino and Haruno when they live in despair.
I am not sure this is the true or not, but it’s possible that he is scared to hurt his wife’s feeling if he lends a helping hand to their precious daughters. In order to save them, it means he needs to oppose his wife’s policies at the same time. I assume that he cares for all of them so he can’t choose side.
It also is possible that Yukino knew her father is very busy so she (or even Haruno too) can’t ask his help. Or she can’t let him know because her mother is the cause of her suffering.
Friend and some people in the school
Yukino has close relationship with him as her childhood friend (from what Haruno tells Hachiman and Yuigahama (in LN v10) that they played outside and Haruno as the oldest, “took care of them”). When they studied during late elementary period, the bullying incident happened and she is the target. Hayama didn’t do anything to save her when people in the school bullied her.
I assume that this incident happened after she is suffering because she can’t answer her mother’s expectation and Haruno’s existence.
-Parents should be the main supporter of kids, but one of them drove her to be like the perfect daughter but she failed to answer her expectation. And one of them can’t be her supporter because just his responsibilities are overloaded enough.
-Her older sister can’t be at the position to save her. Because she is used to be the perfect model. And if what I assumed in the analysis in the last memorandum is true, Haruno herself tried her best to answer her mother’s expectation but ended up she must continue to pretend to be the perfect daughter, shoulders heavy responsibility as the heir of the family, chooses the faculty she never wants to study, works alone (you can see in LN v5, anime ep9), and lost in her own doubt instead that her mother cares for her, love her or not. For the conclusion, she is scared of her mother because she is the same as Yukino (the puppets of their mother).
-Hayama proved himself during the bullying incident that he can’t side with her although the other times, they have good moment a lot and they are close friend (started when they are kindergarten children and she gave him valentine chocolate – Haruno announces in LN v11). His fear will not allow him save her although he wants to or he is scared to be the next victim if he tried to save her.
-Her classmates and some people in the school are just people in the bigger society when compares to the family. Even so, some people bullied her because her cuteness.
When people around someone makes her/him suffers, corner until she/he can’t breath and no any supporters who will lend helping hand to save her/him from heavy damage, it will not be surprising if she/he needs to run to the safer place in order to save her/his own life. That’s why the next result of Yukino is to study abroad, to move to somewhere better, to different environment that can recover her spirit.
That’s why maybe this is the bitter past Yukino recalls and she is suffering until now whenever she thinks about that, because there are so many shame in her whole life. When she read the book “No L*nger Hum*n”, she focuses on the quote by Os*mu D*zai above. This quote corresponds to what happened to her in the past.
The three worded title
The reason why I ended up picking out this book among the many was because I felt some kind of link with the three worded title.
Then why do the three worded title of this book draw her although there’re many books too? I assume she remembers she stopped reading this book once, but even now, this book still draws her to open it again? I assume more that she who has painful past, feels interested in the title and what the author of this book wants to tell.
What’s in the second memorandum?
When I made it halfway through the second memorandum, I closed the book in a hurry and never managed to read much of it beyond that.
Why can she not finish reading the second memorandum? When I read her reason why she can’t continue, it is…
In that book, it felt as if I was getting dragged to the surface, as if my true nature that I was still continuing to hide to this day was getting exposed.
Then it means when she reading until the halfway of this memorandum, she feels like her true nature was getting exposed? Why? So I checked this memorandum to find what makes her closed the book, because it must be about the inner nature or something. When I checked this memorandum, I admit I am not sure this is the reason why she can’t finish the second memorandum, and I don’t know where the halfway she reached is either. But in my assumption, this might be the reason…
Ooba (the main character of this book) shows his classmate, Takeichi the ghost-like paintings of Amedeo Modigliani (Amedeo was the epitome of a tragic artist, a Jewish Italian painter and sculptor). He realizes that some artists will express the inner truth of human cruelty through their own trauma. So with inspire by these artists, he paints a self-portrait, it appears that his work is so dreadful and he can’t show this to anyone except Takeichi.
Maybe, just maybe, if I connect the inner nature she wants to hide and the drawing that can express the inner truth of human cruelty through their own trauma, I assume this is the point she reached but can’t continue to read anymore.
Her painful past or true nature, are still parts of her
So with the middle of the second memorandum of this book, she feels like it is revealing her true nature that she wants to hide until now.
the reason I was reading this book this late now was because I thought it was just something to be thrown out. I took it with my hands in astonishment.
But thinking about it even more, there was no way I could throw out this book.
To close the book is the self-defense. Anyone who suffers from painful past, it would be at least once we want to throw these memories away because we want to forget it. But no one can do this. I assume Yukino too, wants to throw the book, the symbol of her own bitter past or her true nature away, to forget all of them, wish they never happen, to forget her life of much shame. However the past or true nature are like the parts of life. Throw them, means throw the important parts of her too. Or should I say, Yukino might sense that in somewhere inside her head that she can’t throw these important parts away although it’s so painful, regrettable.
Put it to the bookshelves before she’s ready again
They say that bookshelves are a reflection of a person’s personality.
In that case, I’m sure this book was a reflection of my true nature. That’s why, the only thing I could do in the end was just put it away without tossing it and pretend as if I had never seen it.
I think it’s understanding and the good sign for Yukino. At least although she can’t read the book, she doesn’t throw it away. To put it in the bookshelves, it is possible someday when she’s ready again, she would open it and continue the halfway of the memorandum she can’t read during middle school period. If the book is the symbol of her bitter past or herself that got heavy damage from nightmare in the past, it means that someday she will be ready to confront what she wants to hide again.
Yet here I am, reaching out to it again.
Could it have been a divine oracle, or possibly fate?
I wasn’t one to take those words seriously, but it wasn’t very pleasant knowing how it seemed like I was reinforcing the notion instead by being up in arms and denying it.
If this is Yukino’s monologue, the first memorandum is like the prologue after LN v1-9. In v10, if my analysis are not wrong about the owner of each memorandums, then it’s possible that these are the real prologue of these characters. For Yukino’s case, in LN v10, “the new character” that appears in v10 (and after this memorandum and before the second memorandum), is probably the one who has “influence” with the owner the most.
Maybe she knows the ending of that book
Because it’s likely that I needed to see what will happen from there on.
If she continue to read the second memorandum again, I don’t know she finish reading this book or not. But it’s possible that she would know the end of the main character already. Ooba is doing well when the environment (people) around him is good for him. But when the bad environment comes to him again, the ending of his story is…
The question is if she knows Ooba’s fate, how is she feeling after finish reading it?
So this is my analysis to find who might be the owner of this first memorandum, and with her bitter past, her story will be consistent with what the feelings and thoughts of the owner. However, it also is possible that my work can be wrong or this is the memorandum of other character, so if you have any thoughts, you can write in Comment below. If you have more notice that I don’t know before, how about tell me too?
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I pasted this list so you can explore all memorandums in Oregairu v10. Dozo!
Related Oregairu analysis you should not miss!
If you want to know about Yukino more and about her manipulation, this way.